Stage set: Three pictures of old-fashioned pay phones. The first has a sign above it that says “HELL” “666-6666”, the second has a sign above it that says, “PURGATORY” “123-4567…”, and the third has a sign above it that says, “ABHA KINGDOM (HEAVEN)” “999-1919”.
NARRATOR: There are many things that must change in building the New World Order of Baha’u’llah. Some that we’ve never even thought of. Let’s look at the fate of people who presently are trying to make their transition to the next world… Baha’is call this world: The Abha Kingdom.
Enter FIRST CALLER, walks to HELL phone. Dials 666-6666, and gets busy signal. Hangs up, dials again, and gets busy signal. Keep repeating dial, get busy signal, hangs up. Gets slowly very frustrated, rolls eye, sighs, redials hard, waits for a while to see if line clears, ends by banging head against wall at end of play after 3rd person goes to Abha Kingdom.
While first caller gets busy signal, enter SECOND CALLER, go to PURGATORY phone. Dials number 123-4567, gets recorded message:
RECORDING: You have reached the Purgatory line. Please listen to the menu and make your selection. If you are Jewish press 1, if you are Hindu press 2, if you are Buddhist press 3, if you are Zoroastrian press 4, if you are Christian, press 5, if you are Muslim press 6, if you are Babi press 7, if you are agnostic press 8, if you are Baha’i press 9, if you are atheist press 10, if you are something not listed press 11. To hear the menu repeated, press 12.
SECOND CALLER: Five (While presses 5 on phone)
RECORDING: If you are African Methodist Episcopal press 1, if you are Apostolic press 2, if you are Apostolic Pentecostal press 3, if you are in an Assembly of God press 4, if you are Baptist press 5, if you are non-denominational press 6, if you are Brethren press 7, if you are Catholic press 8, if you are Charismatic press 9, if you are in a Church of Christ press 10, if you are a Christian Scientist press 11, if you are in the Church of Jesus Christ of latter Day Saints press 12, if you are in a church of the Nazarene press 13, if you are Eastern Orthodox press 14, if you are Episcopalian press 15, if you are Methodist press 16, if you are a Jehovah’s Witness press 17 , if you are Lutheran press 18, if you are Mennonite press 19, if you are Pentecostal press 20, if you are Presbyterian press 21, if you are Quaker press 22, if you are Seventh Day Adventist, press 23, if you are a Spiritualist press 24, if you are Unitarian press 25, if you have not been listed press 26, if you want to hear this menu repeated press 27…
SECOND CALLER: Five again! (While punches number on phone and is very frustrated by now)
RECORDING: If you are an American Baptist press 1, if you are in the General Association of Regular Baptists press 2, if you are a Southern Baptist press 3, if you are a General Conference Baptist press 4, if you are an independent Baptist press 5, if you are in the Baptist Missionary Association of America press 6, if you are some other denomination of Baptist not listed press 7, to hear this menu repeated press 8…
After American Baptist of the Christian Baptist menu the THIRD CALLER walks out and goes to the ABHA KINGDOM (HEAVEN) phone and dials 999-1919.
LIVE PERSON ANSWERS: Hello, this is the Abha Kingdom, how can I help you?
THIRD CALLER: Hi, Wow, I got a real person! I was told to call this number to get directions to the Abha Kingdom. (Nods head, says yes, like listening) Yes, uh-huh. OK. Thank you! I think I’ve got it. (Smiles, hangs up phone and exits)
(Sound comes back up on Purgatory line again to show menu choices are still going and caller very frustrated, Hell line is still busy and caller is banging head against wall)